Badass Bonanza
by xelnagahomie
Summary: Yes, all hail me. I'm finished with this story. Read the last chapter, post a review or two, and I might consider the possibilty of thinking about doing another one. Perhaps slightly better and with just a tad more sanity.
1. Chapter 1: The Recruits

This may seem silly, but I don't care! Anyhoo, I don't own anything, not even a goat!

**Chapter 1: The Recruits**

A man slowly strolled to a room just down the celestial hall. He really had no name, only that in which people referred to others his identity. "G-man" was his designation, and he was about to enlist the help of the universe's best to save it from destruction.

"Hello, Mr. Freeman." The G-man said as he entered the white abyss that was his "Waiting Room" The man he was referring to was a bearded scientist who twice saved the Earth from sheer doom

"Another contract has come along." He continued. "Apparently, an evil known to all as the Xenos, seems to threaten not only humanity, but all the races in the universe." The man he talked to looked none too surprised, after all, the world needs saving ever five minutes. "This is not like the creatures of Xen, these ones are far deadlier than the Vortigons, and faster than the head crabs." He continued as he revealed a holographic map that appeared before Freeman's eyes. "Of course you have no say in the matter-" G-man was cut off by Freeman clearing his throat and pointing at a handheld chalkboard he bought to communicate. The message written on the board said; I will need help.

"Of course," Continued the G-man, "You're band of rebels will continue with you to your "Arena" but-" Again he was cut off by Freeman's chalkboard message. This time it stated; More.

"More? Very well, I will allow you 5 new cohorts from anywhere, anytime, anyplace." Conceded the G-man. A small grin appeared on Gordon's lips.

"C'mon you undead bastards!" Ash yelled. The hordes of Deadites streaked up the mountain as the former clerk of S-Mart fended them off with his trusty shotgun and chainsaw. The creeps had made their way to 1942 America, where they hoped to cripple the Allied war machine and declare victory for the Germans. However, they never considered Ash actually remembering the words once, and following the scum to stop their evil plan. Just as he sawed through a Nazi Deadite, the world started to slow down. The face of Ash's victim stopped it's wail of pain and looked at him blankly. Then, everything faded out of vision as a man in a blue business suit casually walked up to Ash.

"Hello Mr….Ash." The man said.

"Uhh, what the hell did you do to these things?" The Badass responded. The Government Man looked cautiously upon Ash and disappeared. Suddenly, the warrior was lifted from the ground and disappeared.

Thor sat on his astral chair, starring at the humans below.

"Oh you crazy critters and your axes." He mumbled as a battle raged about Europe. Suddenly, a small Human walked up to the Norse God of Thunder and looked right at him.

"Hello, Mr. Thor." The man said. "I am here to request you're assistance in a matter of cosmic importance." Thor took a swig of ale and looked at the blue man, intrigued.

"What? Would this mission allow me to smash evil?" He asked.

"But of course," The G-man answered, "Why else would we need you?" At that the God stood up, grabbed his hammer, and disappeared into the mist of Valhalla.

A guard walked about his assigned catwalk, overlooking the Helipad. He looked down at his counterpart, who was sleeping, standing up, in the icy Tundra. The guard casually continued his route until he heard a knocking sound, coming from the staircase that led up to his area. He approached it, only to notice a set of footprints. The guard spun around to see a man in a sneaking suit, whip out a gun and shoot him. The guard went down.

"Catwalk clear." Snake mumbled. He approached the air duct into the base, when the falling snow seemed to hang in the air. His body froze as a man in a suit walked slowly toward him.

"We can't allow them to take the base!" Optimus said, looking at the Decepticons that blocked his route. "I will get to Megatron, no matter what!" He then transformed into a truck and sped wildly into the people who blocked his way. One bent under the force and shattered on reaching the ground, another was totally obliterated by Optimus's speed. A barrage of laser fire pelted Prime, forcing him to switch tactics. He leapt up, transformed to robot form, pulled out his pistol, and obliterated 4 or 5 more Decepticons in a hellstorm of energy beams. Out of nowhere, a blue man approached the Autobot leader and asked for his audience.

An evil doer fell to his knees after being sliced in half by a master of the Jedi ways. A creature so powerful, but able to maintain a level of goodness never rivalled in his lifetime. He ran up to slice another bad guy a new one when a human walked towards him Time slowed down as he approached, and the Master sheathed his lightsaber.

"Hello, Mr. Yoda." The human said, "I require your assistance in a matter of universal proportions."

"Who might be you are?" Yoda said, stroking his few remaining hairs.

"Some call me the G-man"


	2. Chapter 2: The Briefing

Thanks for the good reviews, I wrote it on a whim, and people like it?

**Chapter 2: The Briefing**

As a green half-pint walked through the white gateway, the crew was complete. Before them was a table with 6 chairs, astoundingly custom made for the person to sit in them. Optimus, being the size of a truck of course, had been given a comparatively large chair, around 20 feet high. Thor had brought his own, being in need of back support only provided by the crushed bones of his foes in the form of a bean-bag chair. Snake and Ash both relaxed in padded egg shaped seats. Yoda, however, was given a slightly dignified high-chair. The heroes each starred at the bearded man in the orange suit. He obviously, knew what was going on, for he was the one with the cream soda in his hand.

"Good morning…you people." The blue-suited man said as he casually strolled in, not once noticing the extreme oddity of his company.

"Uhh, hey. First off, what the hell is going on!" The shotgun-wielding scarred soldier known as Ash announced. "And second, why does he get a soda?" Ash frowned, folding his arms awkwardly as he did have a chainsaw attached to one. The robot, Optimus Prime, curled his had into a fist and hit it lightly on the table, nearly breaking it.

"The violent madman is correct, about the first part. This is highly unusual, as I was unaware of these "Xenos" Are they a scheme of Megatrons?" He asked inquisitively. The group was getting restless, so the G-Man had to get some order going. He slammed his briefcase down and unlocked it, pulling out 5 folders. Handing them out, each looked intently at the package.

"These, gentlemen, are our foe. The Xenos, which in irony means "Alien" in Latin, are a deadly organism hell-bent on consuming the universe. They are around 16 yards long, 40 feet high, able to spread a contagion able to "Influence" anyone infected. After a week after the infection, the subject dies, giving birth to a larvae form of Xeno. The beasts themselves are to be feared as well, lizard like in structure, coated in black ooze, spiky bits everywhere. These, are things to be feared and.." The G-Man stopped to see one had his hand raised: Snake. He pointed at the bandana-wearing super-soldier.

"Excuse me, sir, but where to a Norse God, a robot-"

"Autobot" Optimus cut in.

"An Autobot, and that short guy over there come into this?"

Yoda looked up at the sneaky commando, stood up, and curled his brow.

"Take offence to this, I do." He said, giving the man a good scowl before sitting down again.

"It's quite simple," The Government Man explained. "You defeat the Xeno threat, and you save your world. Good enough?"

The gang had been escorted to a room down the bright white halls that make up the G-man's existence. Awkward at first, not knowing where walls, doors, holes in space-time, etc were, they got used to feeling around until they were lead into a room much similar to the briefing chamber. Except without a table, it just had same chairs and a massive screen. Thor had been lugging his massive chair for a while and gave a sigh of relief when G-man said they could sit down. Gordon casually walked in after the others and threw out his cream soda can in some sort of rubbish disposal wormhole. Once everyone was seated, the man of G turned on the screen with a remote and grabbed his pointy stick. The first picture was a weird spire-like structure, jutting abruptly from an otherwise flat landscape. To the left was a logo of a spinning hexagon with the words "HexOptimum" at the bottom.

"This, gentlemen, gods and auto bots, is your battleground: Metropolis Station. This is where the initial Xeno presence was confirmed, and this is where we will send you. Made by a very powerful corporation in the Andromeda galaxy, this was initially a testing ground for medical treatments by HexOptimum, but the place has gone black after the scans featured in your reports were sent out. This is where the infection started, and this is where it will end. The Xenos are all controlled by a central brain stem. Smash that, and they should all die. Of course, you will get the help from Gordon's, the man in the orange, team of rag-taggers."

After finishing his speech, G flicked through maybe 50 soldiers, along with Alyx, Barney, and strangely enough, Lamarr, the lovable Headcrab. He then proceeded to turn off the screen to continue.

"But, before we kill the greatest threat to all of the universe, we got get you in training to work together and-"

"And before that, how about you let us get a burger, I'm freaking hungry!" Ash cut in. A large amount of nods to that idea we recieved. Somehow, Gordon thought, this was going to work.


	3. Chapter 3: The Training

Sorry for the delay, but I doubt many people were hanging on, tooth and nail for another installment.

** Chapter 3: The Training**

After a discreet trip to Burger Kong, the only one in the group remotely normal, Gordon, had to go and carry all the food to a nearby parking lot. The crew was in the midst of the greatest game of Go Fish ever to grace the Earth. The One Free Man raised the bags of fast food in the air and shook them about like a dinner bell. Optimus Prime ordered Energon and fries, which strangely, he got. Thor asked for the blood of a thousand Anglos and a small hash brown, which even more strangely, he got. Ash ordered several cows worth of burgers, Snake had a craving for a Python n' Cheese meal deal, and Yoda had the Kiddie Meal, complete with a toy of himself. Thus lead to several minutes of hilarity. The G-Man…He doesn't eat.

"So, how should we go about this, training process?" Snake asked in between chomps. There was the general consensus that no-body really needed TRAINING, but some practice working together wouldn't hurt. But who was hardcore enough to train the Badasses of the Galaxy? Someone with military experience, but he would have to be so awesome there would be respect from even the God of Thunder. The group thought about it, and came to a decision. "I think we have found our man!" Thor yelled. "Now, we have a quick stop-over on Phobos to make."

"Bring it on!" The man yelled, loading another two shells into his double-barrelled shotgun before kicking a Cacodemon in the face. The pile of bodies was up to his knees now, and he was almost struggling to keep them back. But then again, this was nothing. Hundreds of Imps ran at him, but he slapped them back with streams of lead and his bare hands. Just after ripping a zombie soldier in half, he heard a massive "THUMP" on the roof. He kept on a' killing until a 20th century big-rig smashed a huge hole in the wall. Then, a small green Gremlin thing leapt around with a green sword, cutting everything into bite-sized pieces. The man almost blew it away until he noticed the fact that it probably just saved his ass from certain doom.  
"Whoa, who are you and watcha want?" He asked while reloading his guns. A man in a fine blue suit entered through the massive hole carved by the ancient gas-guzzler.

"Hello Mr….Guy, we have a proposition to offer you."

And so the gang and it's newest drill sergeant, the Doom Guy, were treated to a first class ride to the Mojave desert, where they found an abandoned military complex, perfect for the tasks ahead of them. When they arrive, they all moved into the main base's courtyard and lined up. The guy began to pace as he looked at the troops.

"Alright you maggots, we all know you are good by yourselves, but we are going to have to work out collective asses off to get to a state of readiness for your upcoming battle." The marine continued up and down the line.

"I'm going to divide you all into teams. Optimus, Ash, and Yoda, you'll be team Alpha. Thor, Snake, Gordon, you guys are team Omega. We're going to have ourselves a little skirmish."

Team Omega's base was an old warehouse. Inside was the other teams objective, a original print of The Meaning of Life by Buddha H McGod.

"Lightning to Python, anything out there?" Thor calmly stated into his earpiece. Thor was scouting the rooftops, Freeman was holding position around the book and Snake had the dunes to himself.

"Nope, looks like--Hold on. I got a visual on the big truck guy…He's at your three o'clock." He reported. Thor promptly pulled a lightning bolt from the air and threw it at the truck. It smashed off the grill, blowing out the tires and sending the whole screaming mass into a side roll. It then climactically exploded.

"Well, that was easy" Snake said as he stood up, breathing a sigh of relief. Suddenly, a chainsaw came out of no-where and pressed against his throat.

"Move and you're dead, punk" Ash said, holding the super soldier in a death-hold. Gordon heard the altercation and ran out to help his friend. Suddenly, he saw at the corner of his eye a green flash of light. Freeman spun around and whipped out his crowbar. This started one of the greatest swordfights off all time.

"Python, Poindexter, do you copy" Thor, now yelling, announced. He leapt down and saw another 18-wheeler heading toward him. He grabbed another bolt and chucked it into the path of the truck, only for him to jump in the air, whip out a blaster, and fill Thor's tunic full of holes. This only mildly upset the God of Thunder, as a few seconds later he grabbed Optimus Prime out of the air and threw him into a brick wall.

This went on for several minutes as Gordon and Yoda beat on each other with various melee weapons, Snake and Ash were engaged in a deadly fist fight, made deadly because one of Ash's hands happens to be a chainsaw, and Thor and Optimus were breaking everything in sight on each other.

"Alright alright, that's enough!" The Doom Guy yelled as he jumped down from his 10 story observation perch.

"We all know you are too hardcore to affect each other, so just knock it off!" The squad finally stopped fighting as Ash got one final sucker punch in.

"Alpha squad, good work. Omega, let's see you on assault this time" However, the man of G had arrived unannounced and approached the gathering of collective might.

"I'm glad to see you are working together, however, time grows short, Metropolis station is in dire need of assistance." He said in almost a tired state. A massive blue portal opened up and the squad hopped in, ready for anything.


	4. Chapter 4: The Insertion

**Chapter 4: Insertion**

The place they exited out of the portal was not what they expected. It was muddy and dark, filled with a weird odour. Like a hospital, a sterile environment smell. In the distance was Hex Optimum's Metropolis Station, a giant monolith of technology in the dark and deserted wasteland. Scattered around were defence structures, mangled by some sort of massive beasts. Still shimmering behind them was the portal, perhaps their only way out.

"Alright, greeny and bandana man, scout up ahead. Thor and Optimal Value-" The Doom Guy said.

"PRIME!" The Autobot yelled, making a nearby wreck shatter like glass.

"Whatever, Optimal Prime, you and Pointy hat here guard the entry point. Me, four-eyes, and psycho will set up a perimeter." As he finished, everyone did their tasking. From the portal emerged what looked like a cargo container, but it was later revealed to be Optimus's Mobile base. It transformed, revealing a heavily defended stronghold..

Meanwhile, the scouts made their way to a ridge overlooking the massive valley that lead into the station. However, all they could see was a pit of pitch black. Xenos, billions of them, the all looked like a massive blob of motion, scratching and clawing, leaping and shoving. They were as ugly as the hologram back at G's place depicted. Slimy, gooey, pointy masses of pain and destruction with claws the size of Volkswagens.

"Enormous problem, this presents" Yoda said, scratching his chin. "Inform the others, we must. Plan of action, we shall create." Snake took out his binoculars and looked for the entrance. It was a massive door, almost dwarfing the station itself. A giant hexagon with the company's logo in the dead centre.

"You get back, and hurry. I'll keep in communication with my Codec" He whispered while tapping his ear. He then disapeared in a cardboard box. Yoda nodded and hopped away.

The Jedi Master informed the others at their temporary headquarters of the situation.

"Wonderful, now we have several billions problems." Ash announced upon hearing the numbers. They all stood in a circle in the main operations bay of the base.

"Perhaps we should call in more troops for this fight" Optimus inquired, half to himself. Gordon was pacing around and suddenly looked up and held his finger in the air. He then began writing feverishly on the wall with a big marker. "I have idea, but I'm going to need some paper and the biggest shoe you can find"

They set out from the base and divided again. Snake and Yoda were the left flank, Ash and The Doom Guy was on the right, and Optimus and Thor went through the centre. They all waited on a ridge until the go-ahead was given by Gordon, through as system of lights of course, who was back at the base, managing the operation. Thor went over first, leaping a mile in the air and landing with the hugest body slam in galactic history. Optimus was ploughing though an army in truck form, then transformed, gun in hand, and melted another hundred in a period of 30 seconds. Snake leapt up while dual wielding .50 calibre machine guns and just turned the first line into paste. Yoda on the other hand had turn his area into a blender, seamlessly tossing and chopping the massive aliens to little bite-sized pieces. Ash and Doomie were fighting side by side in glorious chopping action as the bloody fists and rusty chainsaw came face to face with alien hide. Neon blue blood covered everything and Ash pulled his boom-stick from his holster and caved one Xeno's face in.

"Hope ya like that! Because I got seconds!" He yelled as he arched his back in the air and sliced the alien in half. Meanwhile, Doom Guy was turning many Xenos into melted wax with a massive blast from his BFG. Out of ammo, he grabbed his Chaingun out of nowhere and started turning wave after wave into organic rubble.

Gordon threw the notepad through the shimmering portal. He hoped that this would work.

The G-man picked up the earthen parchment stuck in a large foot casing and raised it to optimal viewing range. He read the note inscribed. He put it in his pocket and left to do some…house calls.

Sitting down for a nice cup of tea, Winston relaxed and thought about his latest victory.

"Those silly German buggers, they won't dare try to pick a fight with Britain again." He said quietly, taking a sip of tea. Suddenly, his kitchen doorway disappeared into a blank white portal. A man in a snazzy blue suit entered his room and put his briefcase on his bewildered host's table.

"Hello Mr. Churchill, freedom and civil liberties are being threatened." The man with noticeable speech difficulties managed to get out. Winston leapt up and smacked a button on his fireplace mantle. The whole wall spun around to reveal an armoury big enough to equip a 3rd world nation. He took two Tommy guns, several grenades, and a big cigar, and closed the secret room.

"Let's roll"

Bob Richardson held his loot in a death-grip as he ran down the dark alleyway. He suddenly stopped and looked around, thinking he heard a noise. After a quick survey, he kept running only to be stopped a few seconds later. However, this time it wasn't voluntary. A cloaked black figure landed inches from his toes. Bob fell on his back and started scrambling away. Before he could right himself, his feet were wrapped in some sort of rope and he fell down on his face.

"Who….Who are you?" He asked. The black knight grabbed the man by the scruff of his coat and hauled him to his eye level.

"I'm Batman" He whispered, and with that punched the guy in the face, sending him hurtling into a wall. The caped crusader heard a whoosh behind him, and threw a Batarang towards the noise. To his surprise, it bounced off a man in a blue suit.

"Mr. Wayne, I require your assistance."

Smack! Another man went flying into a corner. At least a dozen henchmen closed in on the kung-fu master, but held back due to the fact that he had two nunchaku. Another nameless fool approached, but was dealt with via being slammed into the ceiling and crushed by the force of a foot at 50 mph. Bruce was on a roll today. Strangely, all of the generic guards started to slow down, then stop all together. Out of a wall, a white portal opened up and out stepped a finely groomed white man.

"Mr. Lee I presume?" He said.

Everywhere around, portals were opening up. On his right, a horde of Vikings poured out. Just to his left he noticed a horde of Ninjas leap out and settle in a stealthy position. After 20 minutes, a massive army or robots, pirates, Vikings, Ninjas, space marines, cowboys, kung-fu masters, giant ants, super heroes, gangsters, Eskimos, and of course, Gordon's very own rebels had been assembled. They all had their own languages, especially the ants, so all Gordon did was point toward the fighting. The massive horde rushed toward the conflict, eager to obliterate all foes of humanity. This battle was going to kick ass.


	5. Chapter 5: The Mosh Pit

-1Note, all chapters of this story are written at 2:30 in the morning and while listening to the A-Team theme on a loop.

Chapter 5: The Mosh Pit

More of the massive, ugly beasts known as Xenos lumbered towards Winston Churchill. The Prime Minister simply laughed a hearty laugh, the kind you'd name a soup after, and unloaded into the advancing creatures. They hit the stream of lead and managed to block it, with their faces. About 6 or 7 just keeled over and went limp and the Brit went off in search of other targets. More popped up from the ground, aiming to rip him apart. All he did was toss down his guns and pull out his cane.

"Come feel the wrath of the British medical program" He yelled.

A few miles away, Bruce Lee was dealing out a platter of steaming hot justice. He vaulted into the air and landed a bicycle kick on one of the aliens. Another tried to grab him with it's claws, but Bruce just grabbed it's long fingers, swung it in the air, and broke it in half over his knee. Throwing the halves down, he ripped off and wielded one of it's razor sharp fingers like a sword and held it at the ready, preparing to tear everything a new one.

Batman was never born with special powers, he never got sucked into a radioactive treadmill, he never got bitten by a gamma ray termite. No, he's just the son of a rich philanthropist who goes around kicking the hell out of anyone who messes with his city. And now, the modern day Odysseus has a new tasking: Killing 20 alien behemoths before they tore him to bits. Quickly, he shot his bat rope underneath a Xeno's legs. It curled around and started to pull closer on the fiend. After about 20 seconds, he had a two ton morning star. With great effort he started flinging the beast around, smacking the rest of the hordes about and sending them flying. After his friends were gone, he let go and probably sent his battered and broken medieval flair into orbit.

The original Badasses were kicking ass so much they forgot to take names. Yoda, the Green Machine, had made his very own pyramid out of mangled Xeno bits. Doom Guy had found a berserker pickup a few minutes ago, there were no survivors. After firing several Stinger rockets into the Xeno horde, Snake decided to just Triple Combo all of them to death.

"Punch-Punch..Kick!" He yelled as be beat down another one of the giant beasts. Ash and recently begun making tree related puns while he lopped countless limbs off.

'Timmmmmmber!" He laughed as he removed the legs of a stunned Xeno, sending the torso, arms, and the rest simply flopping to the ground. Thor was in the air, tossing scores of lighting bolts down on the unsuspecting alien foe. They struck their targets dead on, usually sending them into others of their kind, leading to hours of hilarity. Optimus Prime had just crushed a Xeno's head like a paper cup when he noticed a Fusion warhead bunker left over from the original defenders. He grabbed a few of the powerful explosives and converted to truck form, speeding toward a crowd of monstrosities he saw earlier.

"FOOOOOOOOOM!" A massive eruption equivalent to 3.4 terratons of explosives ripped though the massive crowd of alien scum. Thousands were vaporized instantly, while others were melted into puddles by the heat. Instead of a mushroom cloud, it looked more like a massive dome, moving up and up and up until the top blew open, sending smoky debris all over the planet. Most of the Badasses were fine, but a few Vikings were turned into radioactive land-squids. They started slapping some of those Xeno punks about with their tentacles, further increasing they're badassity.

The battle was going well for the Badasses. The Space Marines and Pirates at made headway in the centre, while the giant ants being ridden by the cowboys were ploughing through the left flank. Gordon sat in his ops chair and relaxed, trying to think why the G-Man allowed all of these guys to be here if it was going to be a cakewalk. Curiosity getting the better of him, the doctor with a Ph.D in kicking ass walked over to the console with the long range scanner display. On it he saw the battle, but he also saw something else. All around the fighting was a black shroud. Maybe it was equipment malfunction he thought. Inside, he knew what it was, he just couldn't bring himself to say it. So, he got on his Christmas tree light signalling device and started flicking the lights on and off, hoping they were still watching.

Snake had just finished reloading his FAMAS when he noticed the light system Optimus had rigged up from Ops was flashing in Morse Code. He read it aloud.

"Large…army…of…Xeno….space…..ships?" He finished as the lights repeated. Snake looked up to see the normally orange sky being blotted out by a black should that had almost enveloped the two suns. He then tapped his Codec and got all the Badasses on speaker.

"Guys, we got a problem!"

The massive black blobs of pain were in fact hordes of Xenos clumped together to form an intergalactic vessel. Still cleaning up the remnants of the forces on the ground, which were down to only a few million, they all looked up and saw the ships break apart, sending what looked like and endless mass of solid black rain. Now, they saw new shapes appearing out of the black horde. Winged Xenos, slightly bigger and with huge wings that could easily envelope a school bus. They flew casually down up the Badasses, but weren't expecting some of them to fly up and meet them. The Mechs, Mechas, Wanzers, Vertical Tanks, Armoured Cores, Powered Suits, and most especially Megas, the giant robot piloted by a fat Jersey guy in a muscle car, all jetted up and met the flying monstrosities with a liberal spread of missiles, lasers, masers, tazers, flails, swords, whips, cannons, flames, rocket fists, maces, shotgun blasts and toothpaste in a hellish rainbow of destruction.

Thor had since joined the 'bots in the sky via using a lighting bolt like a surfboard and coasting up, then landing blow after blow with his massive hammer. Gordon had also activated the Autobase's defences, and started smacking the foes out of the sky with his network of turrets. Snake had grabbed two Stingers and launched deadly barrages on the creatures. Yoda had Force Jumped up and was now using Xeno's as springboards, bouncing up and slicing the rest into mulch. The Doom Guy, Optimus Prime, and Ash had built a ramp out of corpses and used it to send Prime into the air, carrying the other two. Ash leapt off first, holding the chainsaw above his head and then spinning around, creating the proverbial lawn mower of ultimate destiny. The Doom Guy quickly typed in "Noclip" and coasted around with dual double-barrelled shotguns, laying waste to all he found.

Bruce, Winston, and Batman were still cleaning up when they saw the rest of the ground forces start to retreat toward the Hex-Optimum building, which door had started to open. They rushed towards it, hoping to cut off their retreat. What the saw at the foot of the door almost made them stop…Almost.


	6. Chapter 6: Light Our Darkest Hour

**Chapter 6: Light Our Darkest Hour**

Standing in front of Bruce Lee, Batman, and Winston Churchill was someone they've seen before…sort of. He wore a fine green suit, purple tie, and brown shoes. He had bright blonde hair cut in a mullet. In is hand was a suitcase.

"Hello you three" The man said "Some call me the Q-Man"

Meanwhile, in the sky, the superheroes had joined the fray and The Hulk had just leapt up and smashed a Flying Xeno, or Flyno, with his massive fist. Spiderman had tied a bunch of them in a ball and tossed the heap to Thor, who laughed and crammed it with a Fusion warhead and punted it northward, past the horizon. Suddenly, all around the Badasses, a giant white wall burst up from the ground and started to envelop the sky in a dome. The guys looked around as they noticed the Xeno's have disappeared. This lead to extreme confusion and Thor yelling very loudly. Soon the blankness started to engulf the ground. The Space Marines fired randomly at the space to no avail. After everything disappeared under the Badasses, all the Badasses then disappeared. The Q-Man walked calmly back into the installation and closed the door.

Gordon woke up in a small cell. No, scratch that, not a cell: A pod. Left only in his hazard suit, Gordon tried to move his arms. Nothing. Legs weren't moving either. Freeman, fed up with this twelve and a half seconds of immobility, turned on his flashlight. Setting the illuminator from "Bright" to "Headlight" and finally to "HOLYCRAPLASERGUN", he cut the lower part of the pod off, sending him plummeting into a bottomless pit. He was about to scream but everything just stopped. In front of him, the white words "Loading" appeared out of no where. After a few minutes, he landed on flat ground, did a roll, and remembered that the fall had broken both his legs. He then recalled what the G-Man had said during boot camp.

"Mr. Freeman, if you are in any need of…assssistance. I'd advise you to press this button on your suit. It has…a secret weapon. Be warned, you can only use it once." He had said all those hours ago. Resigning, he pressed the button.

Unit-576-B walked along the catwalk, looking down at the pit of bottomless-ness. The Combine were assigned to this intergalactic prison a few days ago to guard and monitor the Badasses. Now that they were out of the way, the Metaverse was defenceless. 576 looked around a corner and saw a white doorway emerge out of thin air. He walked toward it, only to see the very thing that he feared most. The true Badass, the ownerer, the beginning and the end. He grabbed the Combine by the scuff of his armour and raised him above his head. The gold hanging on the demi god's neck shown bright in Unit-576-B's eyes. The last thing the guard heard was: "I pity you!"

It was looking pretty bad for Gordon. His legs were banged up, that stupid HEV suit lady wouldn't shut up. Casually, he got up and tried to walk towards, well, anywhere but here. He was in total darkness, with only the rechargeable flashlight for company. Suddenly, a massive spotlight blasted the scientists eyes with light. He then saw about 40 Combine come out of no where, hefting Pulse rifles and aiming right at him. Pretty fed up at this point, Gordon was ready to bust some heads with his bare hands. Suddenly, the left most guard disappeared. Inspiring orchestral music played in the background as the mysterious character ripped, clawed, broke, maimed, and otherwise owned the entire group of Combine. He then stepped forward for Gordon to see. It was Mr. T, and he was mad as hell.

You see, Mr. T is the original Badass. He ruins other people's shit constantly, plus he beat cancer by drinking milk and ripping the mutant cells out, one by one, with a quantum singularity attached to an M-16. Pressing the button would naturally release the most awesome, most killer Badass ever to grace the Earth. Giving Gordon back his trademark crow bar. T then disappeared into the mists of time. This was now Gordon's fight, and he intended to finish it.

The Q-Man was pretty pleased with himself. Looking around the section at which all of the universes intersected (A waffle house in western Mississippi) and sat down, grabbed a newspaper, and ordered a drink. He had outwitted the G-Man and his horde of awesome. So, he grabbed his Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster and took a sip. "It looks like the conquering of the Metaverse was to come to pass sooner then I thought." He said to himself. As he flicked through the personal ads, he noticed that the doorway to the waffle house was blocked by a rather orange looking man. He wore glasses, wielded a crowbar, and looked pretty damn pissed right the hell off. Q-Man quickly grabbed his briefcase and drink and ran for the window. Gordon threw himself after him, smashing past some other Omnipotent beings and chased after the bastard who ruined his day. The fine Italian suit the man of Q had been wearing was riddled with glass has he broke through the window via jumping through it. This didn't deter the man with a PhD in theoretical kickassery, as he broke through a different window for the hell of it and chased after the other guy. Crossing traffic, Q dashed into an alleyway, fleeing for his very life. It takes a special type of person to spark fear in the omnipotent.

Climbing a fire escape staircase, the Q-Man found himself on a rooftop. No where to run, so he tried opening a doorway. No luck. Looks like the G-Man had sabotaged his powers after the whole "enveloping his army" incident. In a last ditch effort, he yanked out his manual doorway opener. It was random, but anywhere was better than getting freaking ripped apart by a geek with a pry bar. A white door opened up and he leapt in. Gordon saw him enter the mysterious portal, and jumped in after him.

Leaping out, he looked around. The portal had opened up in a winter setting, with what looked like an office building ahead. Suddenly, he was pushed down by a horde of Earthen troopers, running for the windows and a doorway. Gordon fell out behind him and recognised the hive of scum and villainy around him: It was CsOffice. Pressing B on his suit, he bought a P90 and aimed it at the Q-Man. Not willing to be turned into Swiss cheese either, Q opened up another portal and leapt in. Gordon bought some extra ammo and a grenade and jumped in after him.

The portal shuddered an out came the Q-Man, unsure of his surroundings. Human architecture again, it looked like early or mid 2500's to him. Suddenly, a black shape ran past him. He decided this was the best time to run like hell. He went through a doorway just as two humans were about to lock it.

"Wait! Please!" He yelled as he slid though the door just in time"

"What are you doin' man? I thought all the colonists were dead!" One of the humans asked. He remembered this from intergalactic history. A series of words on the wall confirmed it. They read "Shake and Bake Colony: LV-426"

The Q-Man had told the marines that he was a new arrival and didn't get the dermal chip the others had. He also said he worked for the company, Weyland Yutani, and that they would get a bonus if they protected him. They told him that something had gone wrong on LV-426, and that aliens had taken over most of the colony. This was bad, but at least he might be able to get Gordon killed by wither the infestation or the Marines themselves.

Speaking of which, Gordon took this time to miraculously appear out of no where. Due to an unfortunate coincidence, that's exactly when a group of aliens decided to walk through that area. Gordon got up, raised his crowbar, and got to work. One leapt at him, but was stopped cold with a crowbar blow to the head, knocking it askew. Another jumped, but was hit with a mighty roundhouse to the chest area. Gordon decided that he wasn't going to dilly dally any more and went ape shit on the foe. He ripped apart one with his hands, despite that the aliens have acid for blood. He just wiped it off on the things head and whipped out the P90. It turned the two other beast into garden mulch pretty damn fast. He then walked calmly to a display panel where the facility's layout was conveniently shown. He then hurried to meet with this scum once and for all.

After a heroic escape. Q man escaped to the landing pad where a dropship had been called down. He was assisted by some chick, a synthetic human, and the last remaining marine. Just after the woman went down with all the remaining weapons, grenades, and flares to get that stupid kid out from the Alien hive, Gordon walked calmly out from behind the dropship where he had waited. The marine walked in front of Gordon.

"Sorry, he's with me." He said. Gordon simply smiled and grabbed the man's arm, twisting it. Hicks, the marine, kicked Freeman to the ground and pinned him with his knee. Things looking pretty bad, the scientist reached to his crowbar, and slapped the marine with all the force of a rusty metal shaft. Hicks fell sideways, unconscious. The robot dude was next, programmed to protect the members of the company. A mighty left hook left Gordon dazed, but he was still able to scissor kick the android right in the sternum, or the robotic equivalent of a sternum. Bishop, the android, leapt in the air with a flying knee to the face, but Gordon dodged, and laid his own brand of smack down to the robot's back with his crowbar. While it was down, Gordon reached into his neck and pulled out the power cable. Bishop went down, and then there were two.

Q-Man was pretty scared now that a trained marine and a fully functional android were both taken down by a nerd with a crow bar. He wielded his briefcase like a sword and leapt at Gordon. A few slices and he got the idea. This lead to the second greatest swordfight of all time. A few parries and the Q-Man was open. Gordon went in and freaking' backhanded him with his crow bar. Q went down, but not before pulling the grenade Freeman had bought from his belt and pulling the pin. He held the handle, waiting for him to make the next move. Gordon, now a little wary, backed up and let the Q-Man get up. Then came another flashback to a simpler time a few chapters ago. It was a very short interchange which wouldn't be worth writing about if this fight was ever turned into a story, but Gordon distinctly remember Optimus Prime giving him something. He reached into his back pocket and pulled it out.

Of course, the Autobot Matrix of Leadership! The very thing that could kill Unicron, the giant planet eating Transformer. Gordon hefted the device in front of him and saw the look on the Q-Man's face. Fear. Genuine fear. He was afraid of the Matrix, and he should be. Now how did Optimus say to open the device? Was it a pull? A push? Were there buttons that needed pushing? The One Free Man god fed up and just smacked the Q-Man with the Matrix. It hit him hard, sending the grenade up and him down.

5

Gordon reached for the Q-Man

4

He searched the fallen scum's pockets

3

He found the manual door thingy

2

He press the "Open the damn thing" button

1

He fell though.

0

The last thing the Q-Man ever heard was the sound of Ripley getting her shit ruined.

Gordon found himself on that stupid god damn train again. The G-man was there, along with a trusty blackboard with some chalk.

"Welcome back, Mr. Freeman, I'm glad you were able to finish off those pesky Xenomorphic crazies, but I had no idea that the one you know as the Q-Man was behind the whole thing.

"Where are the others?" Gordon wrote.

"Oh they're fine, returned to they're respective realities. The men that were turned into squids were turned back, and everything has been returned to normal."

Satisfied, Gordon wrote "What about me"

G-man laughed and said simply "We'll have more uses for you later. Right now, it's better that you get some rest. There will be a new job soon, an important one at that. Well, I'll be seeing you."

And with that, the G-Man walked through the celestial exit and left Gordon on the train to read the same issue of Reader's Digest he had last time. God damn, Gordon really needs to invert in a Game Boy.


End file.
